What was your role in the incident? Could you have made an assumption that led to a misunderstanding or upset? Find out what really happened. Ask third-parties who may know what happened for more information. Consider all the information including your own. If your friend really has done something wrong, has he or she admitted wrongdoing? Of course, a confession is not the only evidence of guilt, but it should be taken into consideration. Otherwise, you have to consider the possibility of a misunderstanding. This is not to say that all guilty people confess. Many don’t. So consider all the evidence, and make a decision about what to do next if a betrayal has occurred. [1] X Research source For instance, if you told a secret and suddenly everyone knows your secret, then you’ll probably suspect your friend of betraying you. Ask your friend if he or she intentionally told someone. Was it an accident? Did it just slip out?
You also have to understand that you don’t know what is going on in a person’s life. So, you have to look at the incident from the other person’s perspective. If your friend is open to it, ask about how he or she is feeling. You never know what could be happening, so you must try to see it from his or her point of view. Continuing with the example above, understand how your friend felt carrying your secret. Was the secret too much of a burden to carry? Also, consider if your friend feels bad.
This is not to say that after you do this, you won’t think that any wrongdoing has occurred. You still may come to the same conclusion: You think your friend betrayed you whether you look at it objectively or subjectively. If this is the case, then you’ll have to consider how you want to proceed. After reviewing the situation objectively, you’ll likely develop some compassion for your friend. This doesn’t mean you’ll excuse your friend’s behavior, but since you have a different lens to view the situation you’ll feel differently. Having compassion for your friend who has betrayed you, believe it or not, will help you move on. [2] X Research source You may also begin to realize how you may have contributed to a situation that led to betrayal, or how you may have contributed to the situation – either by turning a blind eye or overlooking something. It’s a powerful realization and a wake-up call to face-up to everything that was being ignored or overlooked. [3] X Research source If your friend is a blabbermouth and loves to gossip, it’s best to avoid trusting him or her with your secrets in the future.
Relating back to the example above, you should remove yourself from the situation. You don’t want to be around people who know your secret. Retreat. Remove yourself from the situation. Go do something relaxing.
Everyone makes mistakes and has accidents. Bad things happen to everyone. Blaming yourself for everything that has occurred paralyzes you from moving forward. This makes it harder for you to let go and move on with your healing. [4] X Research source If we continue with the previous example, don’t beat yourself up for telling your “big mouth” friend your secret. Instead of thinking, “I’m so stupid. Why did I do that?” Think, “Well, I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. I will remember not to share any more secrets with my friend”.
For instance, instead of thinking that it’s all your fault, think about how you now realize that your friend talks a lot and can’t keep secrets. Although you know that now, you didn’t know it at the time when you shared your secret. You made the best decision that you could at the time. If you could choose again, you would do it differently.
Try not to be too emotional or too negatively entangled in what happened. For you are stuck in avoidance or self-blame, you won’t be able to express yourself adequately. Choose a person who is not likely to “have a pity party” with you. You don’t want your confidante to become sad and hopeless after hearing your story especially if you already feel that way. Choose a person who will remain positive and might be able to offer you good suggestions about what to do. [7] X Research source If you’re not the kind of person who wants to vent to others, then there are other ways of getting out your frustration especially if you’re active person, or even if you’re not. Go on a walk or a run to release some of those negative emotions. If you play a sport, play with friends or kick a ball around. Boxing, kickboxing, and even yoga all can be helpful ways to get your stress out of your body. [8] X Research source Talk to another friend about your feelings of betrayal. If you don’t have a friend or family member to talk to, then journal about it.
If you forgive, you can let the incident go and move on. If you don’t, then it keeps you in the situation – stuck there. Without forgiving, you’ll likely hold a grudge, and months or years later you might still be mad as if the incident just occurred. Ideally the friend who betrayed you should offer an apology, and the apology would be weighed in your decision to forgive. However, many times there is no apology, or there’s an insincere apology, neither of which can be weighed in your decision. So, many times you will have to work through the forgiveness stage irrespective of what the friend who has betrayed you has done because there might not be an apology. [9] X Research source Try not to think about it over and over and over again. Once you forgive, pack up the situation, put it in a box and move on. One way to catch yourself and stop yourself from thinking about it is to wear a rubber band on your wrist. Then, snap the band every time that you think about it. [10] X Research source Forgive yourself for telling your friend your secret. You didn’t know that your friend couldn’t keep a secret.
If you decide that you still want the person in your life but to a lesser degree, you might consider the person an acquaintance instead of a friend. Or, if you feel it is best, you might not want any sort of relationship with this person at all. If you find that you no longer want to be friends with this person, sever all ties with him or her. You don’t have to be mean about it. Assuming you talked to your friend about it, he already knows that you are upset with him, which will make ending your friendship easier. If your best friend leaves you for other friends the best way to feel better is to make yourself a better person and not stoop to her level. Think what you care about! Is someone who doesn’t care about you really important!Or do you come first. For example, if you both go to the same school the best was is to beat her academic wise. Try studying extra at home to beat them. One day she will regret leaving you because deep down she is just a user if she left you for others. If you find that you want to maintain your friendship, make sure the other person understands that you feel like they did something wrong, but you have forgiven them and want to continue being friends. [11] X Expert Source Nancy Lin, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 27 May 2021. If your friend is not remorseful or apologetic and you still want to maintain a relationship with person, then really consider it. You might be setting yourself up for a repeat event. You could continue to maintain a relationship with your friend, but you won’t be telling your friend major secrets anymore. However, if you feel like you tell all your friends major secrets, then you will have to re-consider your friendship with this person.
Now you know that some people can’t keep secrets even if that person is your best friend. Next time, you’ll think twice about telling someone a major secret especially if this person cannot keep secrets.
