How do you feel when the person intrudes on your time or your space? How do you feel when you are around the person, but you would rather not be? Are there specific actions (e. g showing up uninvited, calling late at night, etc. ) that cause these feelings?
For example, if the person calls you excessively or late at night, your boundary may be to stop answering phone calls or not answering phone calls after a certain time. Set realistic boundaries that you will actually follow through with. Do not say that you will never talk to a person again if you know that you are not ready to take that step. Create consequences for your boundaries as well. If the person does not do ____, what will you do?
If you are nervous about talking to the other person, write down your boundaries so that you do not forget them during the conversation. For example, you might decide to say something like, “Sara, you know that I care about you and our friendship, and I always want to be honest with you. Lately, I have felt smothered because you call me eight times per day, so I’d like to set a boundary at only one phone call per day. " You can also practice the conversation with a friend or family member that you trust. Have your practice partner respond as the clingy person would. [5] X Research source
Do not let the other person’s anger change the boundaries you have set. Continue on the path you are on. Allow the person to be angry and do not try to argue with them. For example, if the person tells you that you are being mean, rude, or selfish, do not try to explain to them how you are not any of those things. You will not be able to have a constructive conversation with a person when anger is involved.
Next time you see the person, you don’t need to make up excuses where a simple decline will work. For example, “It’s thoughtful for you to invite me, but I’m not up for it tonight. ” There is no need to be rude, aggressive or even passive aggressive such as not answering text messages. You may feel guilty or bad for setting boundaries with this person, but remember that you are doing this to take care of yourself. Although continually reinforcing your boundaries in an assertive way can get tiresome and frustrating, it is important to stay true to who you are without resorting to hurtful behaviors as well as gaining the personal space that you need.
For example, if the person asks you to go to hang out, say, “Sorry I can’t. I have homework. Why don’t you ask one of your other friends or family to spend time with you?” She may complain that you said no, but stick with your answer.
If the person went to lunch with someone else, tell the person that you are so glad that they went and take interest in the experience. Encourage the person to meet other people and step out of their comfort zone. Tell the person that you are proud of them for doing things like this. [11] X Research source
You may say, “I really value our friendship and the time we spend together. I think it would be really great for both of us to spend some time a part and meet new people. " Be kind and respectful when you have this conversation and do not place any blame on the other person. Avoid using phrases such as, “You always,” “You never, or “You can’t. " Emphasize that you think this is a good solution for both of you.
You may say, “I have thought a lot about our friendship and some things have been bothering me. I want to talk to you about this. " You may also say, “I have to do what is best for me. I don’t think we should spend time together anymore. I wish you the best in everything that you do. " Before you have this conversation, be absolutely sure that this is what you want to do.
Accept that people come and go from your life and nobody is perfect. Try to learn from this experience and apply it to your interactions with other people.
If you respond to the person, you will be sending a mixed message. [15] X Research source Responding to the person will only encourage them to contact you. If the person calls you or texts you, you do not have to answer. You can even block the person’s number so you will not know when they have reached out to you. Remember that you have handled the situation the best that you could and have made the best decision for yourself. You may need to remind that person that you no longer want to spend time around them or see them. Always be assertive and firm. [16] X Research source
