How much time you give is subjective. Some people may be ready for friendship in a few weeks, while others may need a few months. How much time you spent in the relationship will have an effect; longer relationships typically require longer periods of limited contact.
If you need to talk about a few more things before you can be friends, have a discussion with your ex about any loose ends a few weeks after you break up. Be sure to tie up practical loose ends. If you shared belongings or lived together, wait until your lives are completely separate before pursuing a friendship.
Ask yourself what kind of contact makes you feel bad. Maybe you don’t like discussing your ex’s new relationships. Maybe you don’t like that your ex still calls you by your pet name. It’s always okay to request someone stop or tone down behaviors that bother you.
State your boundaries outright so there’s no ambiguity. For example: “I’ll eventually be fine with hearing about your romantic life, but I really need space from that right now. Let’s not talk about dating together. "
Doing something nice for yourself may take your mind off of the break up and help you distance yourself from the subject. In turn, this may help you recover sooner.
If you find yourself fantasizing about your future together, stop. Think to yourself, “We’re not together anymore, and that isn’t going to happen. " Replace your hopes for a romantic relationship with hopes for a friendship. Think about how you can support each other as friends instead of as romantic partners.
For example, a friend who likes to sleep with the fan on probably won’t affect a friendship, but it could affect a romantic relationship, especially if you live together.
Be open about this. Say something like, “Hey, I’m still feeling a little sad when we hang out. Let’s stick to long distance communication for another week or two. " Respect your ex’s feelings. If they’re struggling with the idea of staying friends, respect any requests they make for space.
If you decide to get physical again in the future, have a very clear talk about what this means for your relationship.
Boundaries change over time, so let your ex know right away if you’re more or less comfortable with something. For example, say something like, “I know I didn’t want to discuss your dating life at first, but I feel more comfortable with that now. I’d be fine if you wanted to talk about it. "
Be open about boundaries with friends and family members. For example, say something like, “I’m okay being friends with my ex, but I’m not ready to meet their new partner. I’d appreciate not being invited to events their partner is attending. "
Your partner may sometimes need extra reassurance or comfort after you hang out with your ex, so make sure to give them that as needed.
