Think about things that have made them upset in the past. Listen when they tell you that they don’t like something. Keep in mind that autistic people may understate their stress levels. If they say “that bothers me,” it could mean that something is an annoyance, or that it causes serious panic.
Agitated stimming Withdrawing from a conversation Covering ears Hiding the face Becoming unusually quiet or passive Struggling with speaking or other tasks that your friend can usually do easily Other signs of stress
“You look overwhelmed. Do you want to get some fresh air for a minute?” “Hey, everyone, let’s try to keep the noise level down. " “Let’s go somewhere less crowded. " “Hey, he doesn’t like that. Knock it off. "
“I asked you to stop teasing her. You’re upsetting her, and it’s not funny. " “I need you to stop yelling. It’s not helping. " “Devon and I are leaving now. Goodbye. "
Meltdowns aren’t something that the person chooses. It’s something that happens to them. They can’t stop it. They need your patience and understanding. [3] X Research source
Stay patient and nonjudgmental. Your friend isn’t melting down on purpose, and they’re dealing with an emotional crisis. Recognize that meltdowns are temporary, and sometimes necessary. Your friend will feel a lot better after they’ve had a chance to cry. Remember that this isn’t your fault. These things happen. Even if you contributed to it a little, meltdowns are almost always caused by lots of stressors, most or all of which are beyond your control.
An unoccupied room A yard or other quiet outdoor space An empty hallway A bathroom
Say “Let them be” or “We’ll handle your thing later” if someone is pestering or putting demands on your friend. Say “Don’t touch” if someone tries to grab your friend, and bat their hands away if needed. Say “I got this. Give us space” if someone is trying to help but making it worse.
Get rid of unwanted music or background noise. Get rid of analog clocks with ticking hands. Remove fluctuating sources of light. Turn off flickering lights. Close curtains. Offer things that reduce distraction. Try things like white noise, headphones, or a way to “hide” (e. g. under a blanket) for a while.
If they’re struggling to take off an itchy sweater, try taking it off them. (Only do this if they’re okay with being touched. ) If they’re trying to drink from the sink and making a mess, you could bring them a cup of water. If they show you their favorite CD, put it in a player and start the music. If their tangle toy falls apart and they cry, try snapping it back together for them. If they can’t open a container, open it for them.
Sometimes, a tight hug may be calming. Other times, it might make things worse. Your friend instinctively knows what’s right for them, so they can make a choice if they see you offering (but not pushing for) a hug. Never corner them or grab them against their will, even if they are doing a bad thing like hurting themselves. They are in fight-flight-or-freeze mode, and both of you could get hurt if they try to break free of your grip.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” “Do you want me to call/get (name of favorite person)?” “Do you want (name of comfort item)?” (Alternatively, just place it in front of them. )
If they can’t talk, they may still be able to point to things, give a thumbs up or a thumbs down, or touch something they want. It’s possible that they’ll word things poorly or say things they don’t mean. Let them express themselves without telling them to be polite. [7] X Research source However, if they’re being verbally abusive (such as name-calling), you can leave the room or tell them that it’s not okay to talk to you that way. Save a more detailed discussion of their words for later, once they’re calm and able to think.
Head banging: Carefully place a pillow between their head and whatever they’re banging it against. Biting: Bring an object that’s safe to bite. Try something that offers resistance, like a carrot or piece of chewy jewelry. Throwing things: Move fragile/dangerous objects out of the way, and place something durable (like a throw pillow) in front of them. Let them throw it, and then retrieve it for them so they can throw it again. Continue until they calm down enough to stop. Hitting: See if you can get them to hit something safe, like a mattress or couch. Since they may be too overwhelmed to listen, try modeling it and then giving them a turn.
Never put yourself in harm’s way. If they’re throwing things, don’t get in front of a flying object. If they’re hitting themselves, don’t get between their hands. Don’t grab them, or they could hurt you in their attempt to escape. If they’re hitting you, you can block their hand and say “Be gentle” or “Slow down. " (They don’t want to hurt you. ) If you can’t handle it, leave the room.
Just being there, even if you’re on the other side of the room, can help. [8] X Research source It’s okay to quietly bring them things, like a cup of water, some tissues, or a comfort item. Place them close to your friend so they can reach the items if they want. If they are lying on the floor and crying, you could show empathy by lying on the floor too at a reasonable distance, and waiting while they cry it out. If they start talking to you, validate their feelings and be understanding. This helps them feel better.
Don’t text or call them for an update on the same day. They may feel confused or stressed about how to respond. Let them reach out to you first.
If you aren’t sure, you can ask “Are you feeling better, or do you need more time to rest?”
Sometimes, “How can I help?” can be a confusing question for autistics, and they may feel like you’re asking them to boss you around. Try asking “What do you need when ____?” or “What would help make ____ easier?”
“I made a joke about you being weird before you melted down. Did that upset you?” “I noticed you covering your eyes before the meltdown. Does bright light bother you?” “This is the third time you’ve melted down at a family reunion. What do you think makes family reunions difficult for you?”
“Everyone struggles sometimes. You aren’t bad for having a hard time. " “You’re my friend. I want to be with you when you need help. I think it’s worth it. " “You don’t need to be sorry. " “No, you didn’t scare me. I felt a little worried, but my biggest concern was helping you. Helping you feel better helps me feel better too. "
If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Staying and listening means a lot.
The autistic person may not necessarily remember everything that happened during the meltdown. That’s normal, and okay. There’s no need to remind them.
